Some people have had at me for being “shameless”. Shamelessness is usually a derogatory term used to guilt people into silence. I don’t understand this concept. I don’t understand living in regrets: life happens, we make mistakes, we ask for forgiveness and we move on — hopefully with the intention not to repeat our mistakes.
I am not going to say that I have absolutely no regret and I am not particularly proud of some moments of my life. However, there is no use to denying that it is, indeed, my life and while it was not all glitter and glory, I am proud of where I am today. I know there is always means for me to get better, but I will not deny the past. Because ignoring the past only further ensures that history will repeat itself. I wholeheartedly believe this.
Denying the existence of our faults allows us to play judge to those around us. Whereas “coming clean” about your flaws, your faults, your shortcomings, to others, keeps you accountable. I came across a beautiful line recently which read “I prefer to be an honest sinner than a lying hypocrite”. Someone took great offence to this line — probably because of a previous conversation where I had tagged this person as the latter — and instead tagged me as “shameless” for my past sins. It’s annoying.
Let me enlighten you further on my theory on honest sinning: I commit sin, we all do. We are flawed in our humanity. That’s a “duh” thing for me. I could live everyday without telling anyone of the sins I have committed and my repentance of those sins. Perhaps it would make me appear as a better Muslim, a better woman, a better person… but it wouldn’t make it so. Moreover, if I lied about my sins, I would feel the guilt of not only committing the sin, but committing an extra sin to cover it up.
I feel more guilty about covering up my sins, than I do about my sins themselves. The truth is, no one is deceived by lies except yourself. You get to live an existence of more pious precondition but your soul is still just as guilty of the sins you commit. The way I see it, I can tell people of the sins I committed and the lessons I learned, in the hopes that my experience will suffice to steer them away from repeating my mistakes. Don’t try to guilt-trip me into being a “good little Muslim” who doesn’t speak of her shortcomings, don’t even try to make my ashamed of my past! God and I have had this discussion before, and while He did not respond, I’ve already settled with him: asked repentance and for the strength not to recede.